Valentine’s Day Reflection: Why We Sabotage Love (and How to Stop)

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Love and Loss

Have you ever found yourself pulling away from love just when things are going well? Maybe you start overanalyzing every text, questioning whether your partner truly cares, or feeling an overwhelming urge to run. You may tell yourself that love always ends in disappointment, that people always leave, or that you are better off alone.

What if the real problem is not love itself, but the patterns you have learned to expect?

Psychologists call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, when deep-seated fears shape our behavior in ways that make those fears come true. If you believe love will lead to rejection, you might unconsciously push people away. If you assume you are unworthy of lasting affection, you might choose partners who cannot give it to you. These cycles are not random. They are deeply rooted in our earliest experiences and in the stories we have come to believe about love.

The empowering truth is that they can be rewritten.

Why Do We Sabotage Love?

At first, the idea of pushing away the very thing we crave, which is love, may seem irrational. If we desire connection, why would we ruin it? Why would we test, doubt, or even destroy relationships that have the potential to be fulfilling?

The answer lies deep within our subconscious. Many of us carry wounds from past relationships, childhood experiences, or fears that have shaped how we see love. Without realizing it, we begin to expect pain, rejection, or betrayal from others, even when none of these things may actually be happening.

Love has a way of exposing our deepest vulnerabilities. When someone sees us as we truly are, it can trigger some of our old fears that we subconsciously hold. Anxious and fearful thoughts may spring up in our minds “What if they leave?,” “What if I am not enough?,” and “What if I get hurt again?”

To avoid these perceived threats, we end up sabotaging. Find ourselves pushing people away, assuming the worst, or even finding reasons to leave before we can be left and hurt. This isn’t because we do not desire to be loved, but because we are trying, in some way, to protect ourselves from the pain we believe is inevitable.

Here are a few of the most common reasons we may sabotage the love we seek.

Emotional Unavailability

Emotional unavailability often stems from past wounds or deep fears of intimacy. When we have been hurt, abandoned, or neglected in previous relationships, whether in childhood or adulthood, we may guard our emotions as a way to avoid vulnerability. This can lead us to withhold love, shut down emotionally, or keep partners at arm’s length. The fear of being hurt or abandoned again can be so strong that we unintentionally prevent ourselves from forming real, meaningful connections. This might look like:

• Avoiding deep conversations or keeping things superficial

• Only letting someone get so close before pulling away

• Creating emotional distance or detaching when things get serious

This behavior can often be linked to limiting beliefs like:

• "If I let someone in, I’ll get hurt."

• "I don’t need anyone."

• "Love equals pain."

These beliefs can keep you emotionally unavailable, even when one craves connection.

Low Self-Worth

Experiencing low self-worth is often a product of unhealed emotional wounds or past relational hurts. If you don’t feel worthy of love or believe that you are not good enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, you might sabotage love without realizing it. You may fear that any love you receive is undeserved or that you will never live up to someone’s expectations. As a result, you might hold back affection, feel anxious and insecure about your partner’s feelings, or even settle for unhealthy relationships that confirm these negative beliefs.

Common thoughts you may have include:

• "I’m not worthy of unconditional love."

• "I’ll never be enough."

• "I don’t deserve to be happy in love."

These internal limiting beliefs can lead to chronic self-sabotage in relationships, often preventing you from experiencing the love and intimacy you desire and need from ever truly blossoming.

Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

One of the biggest reasons people sabotage love is their fear of getting too close, only to be left behind. If you have experienced abandonment, whether through childhood neglect, inconsistent caregivers, or painful breakups, then your nervous system may associate each of these types of love with loss. You might long for a deep connection, yet as soon as someone gets close, fear comes trickling in. This can look like picking fights, emotionally shutting down, withdrawing, or convincing yourself the relationship is not right for you.

This fear is often tied to deep-seated beliefs like:

• "I always end up getting hurt."

• "If I get too close, they will leave me."

These beliefs usually take root in childhood, especially if you experienced a parent who was emotionally or physically absent. Maybe you had a caregiver who was loving one moment but distant the next, leaving you unsure of whether love could be trusted or feel safe. Or perhaps a past relationship ended abruptly, reinforcing the idea that love is fleeting.

Yet, the very actions meant to protect you from rejection often push people away, reinforcing the belief that love is unsafe.

Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy = “into me you see”. Genuine love requires vulnerability, and for many, that can feel terrifying. Letting someone truly see you as you are, with all your flaws, fears, strengths and all, may open the door to potential hurt. For those who have been betrayed or dismissed in the past, intimacy can feel like standing in front of an open flame. Instead of letting warmth in, the instinct is to withdraw before getting burned.

This often comes from the belief:

• "I am not good enough."

• "I will be rejected if I show my true self."

If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, and was only given when you performed well, looked a certain way, or met certain expectations, then you may have learned that your real self is not enough. This can lead to the habit of hiding parts of yourself in relationships, pretending to be who you think your partner wants you to be, or avoiding deep emotional connection altogether.

Unconscious Relationship Patterns from the Past

According to Imago Relationship Theory, we are drawn to partners who reflect both the love and wounds of our earliest caregivers. If love in childhood felt conditional, distant, or unpredictable, we may unconsciously choose relationships that mirror that dynamic. Not because we enjoy pain, but because it is familiar. The mind seeks what it knows, even when what it knows is not healthy.

If your parents were emotionally unavailable, you might find yourself chasing partners who keep their distance. If you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, you may attract people who require constant proving. These patterns are not destiny, but recognizing them is the first step to breaking free.

A common limiting belief that stems from this pattern is:

• "I have to work hard to earn love."

This belief can keep you stuck in toxic relationships where you overextend yourself, ignore red flags, and accept breadcrumbs of affection because deep down, you do not believe love can come freely.

Negative Core Beliefs About Love

Many people unknowingly carry scripts about love that shape their relationships. These are beliefs we absorb from childhood, past relationships, and even cultural messages about romance. Some common negative beliefs include:

• "I can’t trust anyone." Which may stem from past betrayals or emotionally unreliable caregivers.

• "I am not worthy of lasting love." This is often rooted in childhood experiences where love was inconsistent.

• "People always leave in the end." This may have developed from experiencing abandonment.

• "If it is not hard, it is not real." This belief is formed from witnessing dysfunctional love as the norm.

When these negative beliefs go unchallenged, they become invisible forces that dictate how we behave in relationships. We seek out partners who confirm these ideas, turning them into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Emotional Triggers and Self-Sabotage

Even in healthy relationships, old wounds can surface. A partner’s delayed response to a text can feel like rejection. A need for space can trigger feelings of abandonment. When emotions from the past bleed into the present, it is easy to misinterpret a partner’s actions and react in ways that create unnecessary conflict.

This might show up as:

• Overanalyzing texts or reading into small behaviors

• Pulling away as soon as things feel too serious

• Sabotaging good relationships by creating distance or conflict

The problem is not your partner. It is the past pain that is still running the show.

How to Stop Sabotaging Love

Recognizing self-sabotage is the first step, but awareness alone is not enough. These patterns are deeply ingrained, often tied to past wounds and traumas. Which only causes one to be entrapped in replaying negative core beliefs about love and worthiness in their minds. The work of healing requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge the narratives we have held onto for so long.

Is all lost in the pursuit of love and war? No! Love does not have to be something you fear. It does not have to feel like a test, a performance, or something that will inevitably end in heartbreak. You can experience love that is steady, secure, and fulfilling, but it starts with learning how to let it in.

Here’s how to practically start breaking the cycle of self-sabotage:

Recognize Your Patterns

The first step to breaking free from self-sabotage is understanding your own relational patterns. Many people assume their struggles in love are just bad luck or that they keep meeting the wrong person. But often, the common denominator is the stories we unconsciously bring into relationships.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What do I do when someone gets close? Do I push them away, test them, or become hypervigilant?

• Do I always find a reason why someone is "not right" for me?

• Have I ever sabotaged a good relationship out of fear?

• What do I believe about love? Do I assume it always ends in pain?

Start journaling your triggers and responses in relationships. Pay attention to the moments where fear, doubt, or the urge to pull away creep in. These are the spaces where self-sabotage thrives. Once you see the pattern, you can begin to rewrite it.

Heal Unresolved Attachment Wounds

Most self-sabotaging behaviors stem from deep-rooted attachment wounds. These emotional imprints from childhood relationships shaped how we experience love today. If your caregivers were emotionally inconsistent, neglectful, overly critical, or absent, your nervous system may have adapted by developing a smaller window of tolerance. This can lead to patterns of hyperarousal (feeling anxious, reactive, or on edge) or hypoarousal (feeling numb, disconnected, or shut down). You may have also learned that love is unsafe or something that must be earned. These wounds do not heal by finding the “perfect” partner. They heal when you recognize them, process them, and begin to rewire how you engage in relationships.

Some ways to start healing attachment wounds:

• Inner Child Work: Reconnect with the younger version of yourself who first experienced love as painful or conditional. Speak to yourself with the kindness you may not have received.

• Therapy: Working with a therapist can help you uncover unconscious wounds and teach you how to create secure, fulfilling relationships instead of repeating painful cycles.

• Reparenting Yourself: If no one taught you that love is safe, consistent, and reliable, start practicing this with yourself. Build trust by following through on your own needs, emotions, and self-care.

Healing takes time, but when you repair the foundation, you can stop fearing the house will collapse.

Challenge Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Many people unknowingly test love to confirm their deepest fears. If you believe “people always leave", you might unconsciously push them away first. If you assume "I can’t trust anyone," you might read betrayal into small misunderstandings. These beliefs are not necessarily true, but they shape how you experience relationships.

Challenging these patterns means:

• Looking for evidence against your fears. If a partner is showing consistency, affection, and care, pause before assuming they will disappear. Not every love story ends in heartbreak.

• Identifying cognitive distortions. Are you catastrophizing, mind-reading, or assuming the worst? Question those automatic negative thoughts before acting on them.

• Choosing to respond differently. If your instinct is to pull away when things feel too good, practice leaning in instead. If fear tells you to sabotage, see what happens when you allow love to stay.

Your past does not have to dictate your future. Every time you challenge an old belief and choose a new action, you are rewriting your love story.

Learn Emotional Regulation

One of the biggest reasons people sabotage love is that intimacy triggers strong emotions, and they do not know how to cope with them. When something feels overwhelming, whether it is fear, anxiety, or a deep longing our nervous system goes into survival mode. This can look like shutting down, overreacting, or impulsively ending things before we get hurt.

Instead of reacting out of fear, try:

• Pausing before acting on an emotion. When you feel the urge to withdraw, pick a fight, or assume the worst, take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself: “Is this my past talking, or is this my present reality?”

• Grounding techniques. If love feels too intense, practice mindfulness, deep breathing, or self-soothing exercises to calm your nervous system.

• Communicating instead of reacting. Instead of assuming rejection or betrayal, express your feelings to your partner. Often, what we fear most can be softened with honest conversation.

Emotional regulation is a muscle. The more you practice sitting with emotions instead of running from them, the stronger you become.

Address Emotional Unavailability

Recognizing and addressing emotional unavailability is crucial in breaking patterns of sabotage. Start by asking yourself:

• Do I avoid deep emotional connections or avoid sharing my true self?

• Do I distance myself when someone gets too close?

• Am I afraid of emotional intimacy or scared that I will be hurt again?

To start healing, try:

• Gradually opening up: Share your feelings, even small ones, with a partner. Let them know where you are emotionally and what your fears are.

• Being honest about your fears: Let your partner know that you are working on becoming more emotionally available and that trust takes time.

• Practicing vulnerability in safe spaces: Engage in activities or journaling that allow you to explore your emotions without the pressure of a relationship.

• Therapy: A therapist can help you work through the fears of intimacy that might be keeping you emotionally distant.

Work on Low Self-Worth

When you feel unworthy of love, it’s easy to push people away or settle for relationships that don’t serve you. Start by confronting these negative beliefs about yourself:

• "I’m not worthy of love."

• "I’m unlovable."

To overcome low self-worth, try these practices:

• Self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and patience that you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and care.

• Affirmations: Regularly tell yourself, "I am enough" or "I deserve love." Over time, these affirmations can help shift your internal narrative.

• Healing past wounds: Focus on healing past traumas that contribute to your low self-worth, such as childhood neglect, abandonment, or rejection.

• Surround yourself with affirming relationships: Seek out people who support and encourage you, and distance yourself from relationships that reinforce your negative beliefs.

• Therapy: Working with a therapist can help uncover the root of your low self-worth and provide you with the tools to rebuild your sense of self-value.

Embrace Secure Love, Even When It Feels Unfamiliar

If you grew up in a home that felt chaotic, then peaceful love might feel uncomfortable at first. If your past relationships were filled with highs and lows, a stable partner might seem “boring.” But love is not supposed to feel like a battlefield.

Many people mistake emotional intensity for emotional connection. A relationship does not need to be filled with drama, uncertainty, or suffering to be real. Real love is patient, kind, and steady. It is safe. It is not built on anxiety or fear.

Start asking yourself:

• Do I find myself drawn to “the chase” rather than the connection?

• Do I assume something is wrong if a relationship is too easy?

• Am I mistaking emotional stability for lack of passion?

Security is not boring, it is what allows love to grow. Lean into relationships that feel safe, consistent, and nurturing, even if they do not match the rollercoaster dynamics you once craved.

Therapy as a Tool for Lasting Change

You do not have to figure this out alone. Healing relational wounds is some tough deep work, and the patterns we develop over a lifetime are not always easy to change without guidance.

Which is why, therapy can help you:

• Uncover the unconscious beliefs driving your fears

• Learn how to regulate emotions and communicate in healthy ways

• Break free from destructive patterns and create relationships that feel fulfilling

You deserve love that is safe and reliable. Love that does not feel like walking on eggshells. Love that does not leave you questioning your worth. 

The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself

This Valentine’s Day, instead of settling for flowers or chocolates, consider investing in something far more valuable, your ability to experience love without fear.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, therapy can help you heal, build security, and create relationships where love does not have to feel like a battlefield.

Love does not have to be something you run from. It can be something you grow into.

Are you ready to rewrite your love story? Let’s start that journey together. Schedule a session with me today.

Healing from Childhood Wounds: Navigating the Impact of Emotionally Immature Parents in Immigrant and BIPOC Communities

For many individuals, childhood wounds run deep, especially when rooted in emotionally immature parenting. Children of emotionally immature parents often face emotional neglect, lack of empathy, and disconnection, which can leave lasting scars. These wounds are often especially painful in immigrant, first and second-generation, and BIPOC communities, where cultural expectations, generational differences, and societal pressures complicate the healing process. Understanding the roots of these wounds and how they manifest is the first step toward emotional wholeness.

Understanding Emotional Immaturity in Parents

Emotionally immature parents may not know how to nurture their children’s emotional needs or effectively regulate their own emotions. These behaviors can deeply affect the child’s emotional development, creating deep scars. Here are a few common signs of emotionally immature parenting:

• Avoidance of emotional connection: Parents may neglect or avoid addressing their children’s emotional needs.

• Lack of empathy: They often dismiss their child’s feelings, labeling them as “overreacting.”

• Overdependence or neglect: Some parents are overly controlling, while others are emotionally distant, failing to help their children build healthy independence.

• Unresolved trauma: Their inability to manage their emotions often stems from their own unresolved childhood wounds.

These behaviors create an environment where children feel unsupported, unseen, or unloved, leading to emotional scars that persist into adulthood.

The Unique Challenges in Immigrant and BIPOC Families

For individuals from immigrant, first and second-generation, and BIPOC communities, the impact of emotionally immature parents is compounded by unique challenges, such as:

• Cultural expectations: Immigrant parents often focus heavily on survival and providing for their family, sometimes at the expense of emotional connection.

• Generational gaps: First-generation parents may carry old cultural beliefs about emotional suppression, leaving children to figure out emotional expression on their own.

• Cultural stigma around mental health: In many BIPOC communities, mental health struggles are stigmatized, leading to a lack of support and understanding of emotional wounds.

• Pressure to assimilate: Children may feel torn between their family’s cultural values and the emotional maturity encouraged in mainstream society, further complicating emotional expression and connection.

These factors can make it harder for individuals to address and heal from childhood wounds, as they may feel isolated or misunderstood within their families and communities.

How Childhood Wounds Show Up in Adulthood

The emotional neglect from childhood often reappears in adulthood, influencing relationships, self-worth, and overall emotional health. Here’s how these childhood wounds can manifest:

• Difficulty in relationships: A lack of emotional connection in childhood often makes it difficult to form trusting, healthy relationships in adulthood.

• Emotional Dysregulation: Without proper models for emotional expression, individuals may struggle with emotional regulation, leading to outbursts or difficulty managing stress.

• People-pleasing or avoidance: The need for external validation or avoidance of conflict may be a coping mechanism learned during childhood to navigate emotional neglect.

• Low self-worth: Feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, or a sense of being unloved can lead to low self-esteem.

  These emotional scars can affect not just the individual, but also the relationships and communities they are a part of, perpetuating cycles of hurt and emotional disconnection.

The Path to Healing: Steps Toward Emotional Wholeness

Healing from emotionally immature parenting is a transformative process that can take time, but it is possible. Several therapeutic approaches can help in this journey, such as:

1. Recognize the patterns: Begin by acknowledging how emotionally immature parenting shaped your emotional health. Inner Child Work (IFS), which involves reconnecting with your inner child and healing past wounds, can be incredibly empowering. Understanding that the behaviors you experienced were not a reflection of your worth is a vital first step.

2. Seek therapy and support: Therapy is a powerful tool for healing emotional wounds. Narrative therapy helps you reframe and rewrite the stories you've been telling yourself about your childhood and how those stories shape your present. Psychodynamic therapy, particularly focused on attachment theory, can help you understand how your early relationships affect your current ones and guide you toward healthier patterns.

3. Establish healthy boundaries: Setting boundaries with emotionally immature parents is necessary for healing. This might involve limiting emotional expectations or disengaging from toxic behaviors. In therapy, you’ll be guided to practice healthy detachment and reclaim your emotional well-being.

4. Cultivate self-compassion: Overcoming feelings of inadequacy or guilt requires self-compassion. Recognize that your emotional needs were valid, even if they weren’t met as a child. Practices like mindfulness and journaling can help foster this compassion.

5. Develop emotional intelligence: Understanding your emotions is key to healing. Practices such as mindfulness and journaling help you process your feelings and increase emotional intelligence. Engaging in IFS can further support this by helping you identify emotional parts of yourself that need attention.

The Role of Culture and Community in Healing

In immigrant and BIPOC communities, cultural values can either hinder or support emotional healing. Mental health struggles are often seen as taboo, and seeking therapy may be perceived as weakness. However, there is an opportunity for change. By opening conversations about emotional health and embracing therapy as a form of self-care, we can help break down cultural barriers and create a more supportive environment for emotional healing.

Sharing our experiences and embracing therapy can build stronger communities where healing is not only accepted but celebrated. By seeking healing, you can start to change the narrative and break the cycle for future generations.

A Journey Toward Emotional Freedom

Healing from childhood wounds caused by emotionally immature parents is a deeply transformative journey. It requires recognizing past pain, understanding its impact, and committing to emotional growth. Therapies such as Internal Family Systems (IFS), narrative therapy, and psychodynamic attachment work can be invaluable tools for processing and overcoming these deep emotional wounds.

For those who turn to Jesus, there is an even greater hope and healing available. Through His sacrifice, we are adopted into God’s family as His beloved children (Ephesians 1:5). Our identity is no longer defined by the shortcomings of our earthly relationships but by the perfect, unchanging love of our Heavenly Father.

Jesus took our place on the cross, bearing the weight of sin and brokenness, so we could experience healing and freedom. In Him, we are no longer defined by rejection, neglect, or hurt but are given a new identity as chosen and dearly loved children of God. This truth lays a safe and unshakable foundation for emotional freedom, offering the reassurance that we are never alone in our healing journey.

Practically, embracing this truth begins with reflecting on who God says you are loved, redeemed, and chosen. Spending time in prayer and meditating on Scripture, especially passages that affirm your adoption into God’s family (Romans 8:15-17), can bring comfort and strength. Journaling your thoughts and prayers to God as a loving Father allows you to process deep emotions and experience His care in personal and meaningful ways.

Forgiveness, a crucial aspect of emotional freedom, is also made possible through Jesus. By His grace, we can release the weight of bitterness and extend forgiveness, even when it feels impossible. Through the power of His Spirit, we find the strength to forgive not just as an act of freedom for ourselves, but as a reflection of His abundant forgiveness toward us.

Let’s Begin the Healing Journey Together

If you’ve found yourself struggling with the effects of emotionally immature parenting, especially as part of an immigrant or BIPOC community, know that healing is possible. Therapy offers a compassionate space to explore the impact of your childhood wounds and begin the process of emotional healing. Together, we can explore your personal journey, understand how these wounds affect your current life, and build a future of emotional resilience.

Contact me today to learn how therapy can help you reclaim your emotional freedom and build a healthier, more fulfilling life.