Valentine’s Day Reflection: Why We Sabotage Love (and How to Stop)

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Love and Loss

Have you ever found yourself pulling away from love just when things are going well? Maybe you start overanalyzing every text, questioning whether your partner truly cares, or feeling an overwhelming urge to run. You may tell yourself that love always ends in disappointment, that people always leave, or that you are better off alone.

What if the real problem is not love itself, but the patterns you have learned to expect?

Psychologists call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, when deep-seated fears shape our behavior in ways that make those fears come true. If you believe love will lead to rejection, you might unconsciously push people away. If you assume you are unworthy of lasting affection, you might choose partners who cannot give it to you. These cycles are not random. They are deeply rooted in our earliest experiences and in the stories we have come to believe about love.

The empowering truth is that they can be rewritten.

Why Do We Sabotage Love?

At first, the idea of pushing away the very thing we crave, which is love, may seem irrational. If we desire connection, why would we ruin it? Why would we test, doubt, or even destroy relationships that have the potential to be fulfilling?

The answer lies deep within our subconscious. Many of us carry wounds from past relationships, childhood experiences, or fears that have shaped how we see love. Without realizing it, we begin to expect pain, rejection, or betrayal from others, even when none of these things may actually be happening.

Love has a way of exposing our deepest vulnerabilities. When someone sees us as we truly are, it can trigger some of our old fears that we subconsciously hold. Anxious and fearful thoughts may spring up in our minds “What if they leave?,” “What if I am not enough?,” and “What if I get hurt again?”

To avoid these perceived threats, we end up sabotaging. Find ourselves pushing people away, assuming the worst, or even finding reasons to leave before we can be left and hurt. This isn’t because we do not desire to be loved, but because we are trying, in some way, to protect ourselves from the pain we believe is inevitable.

Here are a few of the most common reasons we may sabotage the love we seek.

Emotional Unavailability

Emotional unavailability often stems from past wounds or deep fears of intimacy. When we have been hurt, abandoned, or neglected in previous relationships, whether in childhood or adulthood, we may guard our emotions as a way to avoid vulnerability. This can lead us to withhold love, shut down emotionally, or keep partners at arm’s length. The fear of being hurt or abandoned again can be so strong that we unintentionally prevent ourselves from forming real, meaningful connections. This might look like:

• Avoiding deep conversations or keeping things superficial

• Only letting someone get so close before pulling away

• Creating emotional distance or detaching when things get serious

This behavior can often be linked to limiting beliefs like:

• "If I let someone in, I’ll get hurt."

• "I don’t need anyone."

• "Love equals pain."

These beliefs can keep you emotionally unavailable, even when one craves connection.

Low Self-Worth

Experiencing low self-worth is often a product of unhealed emotional wounds or past relational hurts. If you don’t feel worthy of love or believe that you are not good enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, you might sabotage love without realizing it. You may fear that any love you receive is undeserved or that you will never live up to someone’s expectations. As a result, you might hold back affection, feel anxious and insecure about your partner’s feelings, or even settle for unhealthy relationships that confirm these negative beliefs.

Common thoughts you may have include:

• "I’m not worthy of unconditional love."

• "I’ll never be enough."

• "I don’t deserve to be happy in love."

These internal limiting beliefs can lead to chronic self-sabotage in relationships, often preventing you from experiencing the love and intimacy you desire and need from ever truly blossoming.

Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

One of the biggest reasons people sabotage love is their fear of getting too close, only to be left behind. If you have experienced abandonment, whether through childhood neglect, inconsistent caregivers, or painful breakups, then your nervous system may associate each of these types of love with loss. You might long for a deep connection, yet as soon as someone gets close, fear comes trickling in. This can look like picking fights, emotionally shutting down, withdrawing, or convincing yourself the relationship is not right for you.

This fear is often tied to deep-seated beliefs like:

• "I always end up getting hurt."

• "If I get too close, they will leave me."

These beliefs usually take root in childhood, especially if you experienced a parent who was emotionally or physically absent. Maybe you had a caregiver who was loving one moment but distant the next, leaving you unsure of whether love could be trusted or feel safe. Or perhaps a past relationship ended abruptly, reinforcing the idea that love is fleeting.

Yet, the very actions meant to protect you from rejection often push people away, reinforcing the belief that love is unsafe.

Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy = “into me you see”. Genuine love requires vulnerability, and for many, that can feel terrifying. Letting someone truly see you as you are, with all your flaws, fears, strengths and all, may open the door to potential hurt. For those who have been betrayed or dismissed in the past, intimacy can feel like standing in front of an open flame. Instead of letting warmth in, the instinct is to withdraw before getting burned.

This often comes from the belief:

• "I am not good enough."

• "I will be rejected if I show my true self."

If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, and was only given when you performed well, looked a certain way, or met certain expectations, then you may have learned that your real self is not enough. This can lead to the habit of hiding parts of yourself in relationships, pretending to be who you think your partner wants you to be, or avoiding deep emotional connection altogether.

Unconscious Relationship Patterns from the Past

According to Imago Relationship Theory, we are drawn to partners who reflect both the love and wounds of our earliest caregivers. If love in childhood felt conditional, distant, or unpredictable, we may unconsciously choose relationships that mirror that dynamic. Not because we enjoy pain, but because it is familiar. The mind seeks what it knows, even when what it knows is not healthy.

If your parents were emotionally unavailable, you might find yourself chasing partners who keep their distance. If you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, you may attract people who require constant proving. These patterns are not destiny, but recognizing them is the first step to breaking free.

A common limiting belief that stems from this pattern is:

• "I have to work hard to earn love."

This belief can keep you stuck in toxic relationships where you overextend yourself, ignore red flags, and accept breadcrumbs of affection because deep down, you do not believe love can come freely.

Negative Core Beliefs About Love

Many people unknowingly carry scripts about love that shape their relationships. These are beliefs we absorb from childhood, past relationships, and even cultural messages about romance. Some common negative beliefs include:

• "I can’t trust anyone." Which may stem from past betrayals or emotionally unreliable caregivers.

• "I am not worthy of lasting love." This is often rooted in childhood experiences where love was inconsistent.

• "People always leave in the end." This may have developed from experiencing abandonment.

• "If it is not hard, it is not real." This belief is formed from witnessing dysfunctional love as the norm.

When these negative beliefs go unchallenged, they become invisible forces that dictate how we behave in relationships. We seek out partners who confirm these ideas, turning them into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Emotional Triggers and Self-Sabotage

Even in healthy relationships, old wounds can surface. A partner’s delayed response to a text can feel like rejection. A need for space can trigger feelings of abandonment. When emotions from the past bleed into the present, it is easy to misinterpret a partner’s actions and react in ways that create unnecessary conflict.

This might show up as:

• Overanalyzing texts or reading into small behaviors

• Pulling away as soon as things feel too serious

• Sabotaging good relationships by creating distance or conflict

The problem is not your partner. It is the past pain that is still running the show.

How to Stop Sabotaging Love

Recognizing self-sabotage is the first step, but awareness alone is not enough. These patterns are deeply ingrained, often tied to past wounds and traumas. Which only causes one to be entrapped in replaying negative core beliefs about love and worthiness in their minds. The work of healing requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge the narratives we have held onto for so long.

Is all lost in the pursuit of love and war? No! Love does not have to be something you fear. It does not have to feel like a test, a performance, or something that will inevitably end in heartbreak. You can experience love that is steady, secure, and fulfilling, but it starts with learning how to let it in.

Here’s how to practically start breaking the cycle of self-sabotage:

Recognize Your Patterns

The first step to breaking free from self-sabotage is understanding your own relational patterns. Many people assume their struggles in love are just bad luck or that they keep meeting the wrong person. But often, the common denominator is the stories we unconsciously bring into relationships.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What do I do when someone gets close? Do I push them away, test them, or become hypervigilant?

• Do I always find a reason why someone is "not right" for me?

• Have I ever sabotaged a good relationship out of fear?

• What do I believe about love? Do I assume it always ends in pain?

Start journaling your triggers and responses in relationships. Pay attention to the moments where fear, doubt, or the urge to pull away creep in. These are the spaces where self-sabotage thrives. Once you see the pattern, you can begin to rewrite it.

Heal Unresolved Attachment Wounds

Most self-sabotaging behaviors stem from deep-rooted attachment wounds. These emotional imprints from childhood relationships shaped how we experience love today. If your caregivers were emotionally inconsistent, neglectful, overly critical, or absent, your nervous system may have adapted by developing a smaller window of tolerance. This can lead to patterns of hyperarousal (feeling anxious, reactive, or on edge) or hypoarousal (feeling numb, disconnected, or shut down). You may have also learned that love is unsafe or something that must be earned. These wounds do not heal by finding the “perfect” partner. They heal when you recognize them, process them, and begin to rewire how you engage in relationships.

Some ways to start healing attachment wounds:

• Inner Child Work: Reconnect with the younger version of yourself who first experienced love as painful or conditional. Speak to yourself with the kindness you may not have received.

• Therapy: Working with a therapist can help you uncover unconscious wounds and teach you how to create secure, fulfilling relationships instead of repeating painful cycles.

• Reparenting Yourself: If no one taught you that love is safe, consistent, and reliable, start practicing this with yourself. Build trust by following through on your own needs, emotions, and self-care.

Healing takes time, but when you repair the foundation, you can stop fearing the house will collapse.

Challenge Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Many people unknowingly test love to confirm their deepest fears. If you believe “people always leave", you might unconsciously push them away first. If you assume "I can’t trust anyone," you might read betrayal into small misunderstandings. These beliefs are not necessarily true, but they shape how you experience relationships.

Challenging these patterns means:

• Looking for evidence against your fears. If a partner is showing consistency, affection, and care, pause before assuming they will disappear. Not every love story ends in heartbreak.

• Identifying cognitive distortions. Are you catastrophizing, mind-reading, or assuming the worst? Question those automatic negative thoughts before acting on them.

• Choosing to respond differently. If your instinct is to pull away when things feel too good, practice leaning in instead. If fear tells you to sabotage, see what happens when you allow love to stay.

Your past does not have to dictate your future. Every time you challenge an old belief and choose a new action, you are rewriting your love story.

Learn Emotional Regulation

One of the biggest reasons people sabotage love is that intimacy triggers strong emotions, and they do not know how to cope with them. When something feels overwhelming, whether it is fear, anxiety, or a deep longing our nervous system goes into survival mode. This can look like shutting down, overreacting, or impulsively ending things before we get hurt.

Instead of reacting out of fear, try:

• Pausing before acting on an emotion. When you feel the urge to withdraw, pick a fight, or assume the worst, take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself: “Is this my past talking, or is this my present reality?”

• Grounding techniques. If love feels too intense, practice mindfulness, deep breathing, or self-soothing exercises to calm your nervous system.

• Communicating instead of reacting. Instead of assuming rejection or betrayal, express your feelings to your partner. Often, what we fear most can be softened with honest conversation.

Emotional regulation is a muscle. The more you practice sitting with emotions instead of running from them, the stronger you become.

Address Emotional Unavailability

Recognizing and addressing emotional unavailability is crucial in breaking patterns of sabotage. Start by asking yourself:

• Do I avoid deep emotional connections or avoid sharing my true self?

• Do I distance myself when someone gets too close?

• Am I afraid of emotional intimacy or scared that I will be hurt again?

To start healing, try:

• Gradually opening up: Share your feelings, even small ones, with a partner. Let them know where you are emotionally and what your fears are.

• Being honest about your fears: Let your partner know that you are working on becoming more emotionally available and that trust takes time.

• Practicing vulnerability in safe spaces: Engage in activities or journaling that allow you to explore your emotions without the pressure of a relationship.

• Therapy: A therapist can help you work through the fears of intimacy that might be keeping you emotionally distant.

Work on Low Self-Worth

When you feel unworthy of love, it’s easy to push people away or settle for relationships that don’t serve you. Start by confronting these negative beliefs about yourself:

• "I’m not worthy of love."

• "I’m unlovable."

To overcome low self-worth, try these practices:

• Self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and patience that you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and care.

• Affirmations: Regularly tell yourself, "I am enough" or "I deserve love." Over time, these affirmations can help shift your internal narrative.

• Healing past wounds: Focus on healing past traumas that contribute to your low self-worth, such as childhood neglect, abandonment, or rejection.

• Surround yourself with affirming relationships: Seek out people who support and encourage you, and distance yourself from relationships that reinforce your negative beliefs.

• Therapy: Working with a therapist can help uncover the root of your low self-worth and provide you with the tools to rebuild your sense of self-value.

Embrace Secure Love, Even When It Feels Unfamiliar

If you grew up in a home that felt chaotic, then peaceful love might feel uncomfortable at first. If your past relationships were filled with highs and lows, a stable partner might seem “boring.” But love is not supposed to feel like a battlefield.

Many people mistake emotional intensity for emotional connection. A relationship does not need to be filled with drama, uncertainty, or suffering to be real. Real love is patient, kind, and steady. It is safe. It is not built on anxiety or fear.

Start asking yourself:

• Do I find myself drawn to “the chase” rather than the connection?

• Do I assume something is wrong if a relationship is too easy?

• Am I mistaking emotional stability for lack of passion?

Security is not boring, it is what allows love to grow. Lean into relationships that feel safe, consistent, and nurturing, even if they do not match the rollercoaster dynamics you once craved.

Therapy as a Tool for Lasting Change

You do not have to figure this out alone. Healing relational wounds is some tough deep work, and the patterns we develop over a lifetime are not always easy to change without guidance.

Which is why, therapy can help you:

• Uncover the unconscious beliefs driving your fears

• Learn how to regulate emotions and communicate in healthy ways

• Break free from destructive patterns and create relationships that feel fulfilling

You deserve love that is safe and reliable. Love that does not feel like walking on eggshells. Love that does not leave you questioning your worth. 

The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself

This Valentine’s Day, instead of settling for flowers or chocolates, consider investing in something far more valuable, your ability to experience love without fear.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, therapy can help you heal, build security, and create relationships where love does not have to feel like a battlefield.

Love does not have to be something you run from. It can be something you grow into.

Are you ready to rewrite your love story? Let’s start that journey together. Schedule a session with me today.

Romantic Challenges for Young Adults and Millennials: Navigating Love in a Changing World

In a world that constantly evolves, the landscape of romance and relationships feels like it's shifting faster than ever before. If you're a young adult or millennial, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of modern love the expectations, the timeline, and the endless sea of dating options that often feel more frustrating than fulfilling. It's easy to wonder why things don’t seem to come together the way they did for previous generations. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s okay to acknowledge that navigating romance today is harder than ever before.

The Shift in Marriage Timelines

More and more young adults are getting married later or not at all. The traditional timelines for relationships and marriage are evolving, and it seems like everyone is on a different path. With so much focus on personal growth, career building, and individual fulfillment before committing to a partner, it's easy to feel like you’re behind if you haven’t met the "right" person yet. It’s a common pressure that many of us face, but it’s important to remember that everyone's journey looks different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for love.

At times, it can feel isolating when the pressure mounts, especially when you’re surrounded by social media posts of seemingly perfect couples or friends getting engaged. If you find yourself questioning whether you’ll ever get to the place you want to be, it’s normal to feel uncertain. Trust that your path is unfolding in its own time, and be kind to yourself as you navigate these stages. Love and connection are about depth, not just timelines.

The Challenge of Dating Apps

What started as a hopeful way to meet new people has become a source of frustration for many. Dating apps, with their endless swiping and fleeting connections, often feel more like a chore than a path to meaningful relationships. Instead of helping you find the one, they sometimes leave you feeling like you're just another profile in a crowded space, and finding someone who truly aligns with you can seem more like a stroke of luck than a process.

It’s easy to feel exhausted by the constant cycle of putting yourself out there, only to face ghosting or conversations that fizzle out. If dating apps no longer bring the joy or excitement they once did, it might be worth reflecting on whether they align with your true desires for connection. Sometimes stepping away from the pressure of immediate matches can create space for more genuine connections whether that’s through shared experiences or simply letting things unfold naturally without the weight of an app’s algorithms.

The Impact of COVID-19

The pandemic left many of us feeling disconnected not just from the world, but sometimes from ourselves. Social distancing and lockdowns made it harder to meet new people and foster the kind of organic connections that once felt effortless. For many, the isolation of COVID-19 left deep emotional scars, making it harder to open up and trust others in the way we once did.

If the aftereffects of the pandemic have left you feeling disconnected or unsure of how to approach dating and relationships, you’re not alone. The world around us has changed, and with it, our relationship dynamics have shifted. It’s okay to acknowledge that things might feel different now, and it’s okay to take your time as you rebuild a sense of connection not just with others, but with yourself as well.

Pressures of Expectations

In today’s world, it’s hard to escape the constant pressure of what a relationship "should" look like. Social media often shows curated glimpses of perfect love stories: vacations, proposals, happy couples in ideal settings, but the reality of relationships is rarely that polished. It’s easy to get caught up in these ideals, feeling like if your relationship doesn’t measure up, it’s somehow incomplete or flawed.

But the truth is, real love doesn’t fit into a box. It’s messy, complex, and evolves over time. If you’ve ever found yourself comparing your relationship (or lack of one) to what you see online, know that it’s okay to feel frustrated. But it’s also important to remember that your love story is yours to define. It’s not about living up to the expectations of others but about cultivating a connection that’s meaningful to you.

The Struggle to Meet New People

If it feels like it’s harder than ever to meet new people, you’re not imagining it. The pandemic changed how we interact, and now, many find themselves in smaller social circles, relying on online interactions rather than face-to-face encounters. Meeting new people has become a slower, more deliberate process, and that can be frustrating when you’re eager to find someone who truly connects with you.

There’s a sense of isolation that comes with being surrounded by the same faces, day in and day out, and it can feel as though opportunities to meet someone new are few and far between. But sometimes, the pressure to meet "the one" can cloud the possibility of meeting someone who truly resonates with you. Whether you’re meeting new people through mutual interests or letting relationships evolve naturally, it’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate this process.

Moving Forward with Empathy for Yourself

As you navigate these romantic challenges, remember that it’s okay to feel lost or uncertain. The journey to love whether through finding a partner or understanding yourself better isn’t linear, and it certainly doesn’t need to match anyone else’s timeline. Take a deep breath, and trust that your feelings are valid.

If you're feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused about where you are in your romantic life, you are not alone in that experience. It's okay to take a step back and honor where you are right now, without judgment or comparison. Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is create space for yourself to reflect, heal, and move forward with intention.

How You Can Support Yourself Through This Journey

1. Embrace Self-Compassion: Recognize that it’s okay to feel frustrated or discouraged. Your feelings are real, and it’s important to treat yourself with kindness, especially when things don’t seem to be going according to plan.

2. Be Patient with Your Journey: There’s no rush to find the perfect relationship. Sometimes, the most fulfilling connections come when you’re least expecting them, and only after you’ve spent time developing a strong sense of self.

3. Focus on Meaningful Connections: Instead of focusing on the number of people you meet, shift your attention to the quality of the connections you’re building. Let relationships unfold naturally, and trust that depth often takes time.

4. Honor Your Own Pace: Relationships can be a source of joy, but they can also be a source of challenge. It’s okay to take a break, reevaluate, and come back when you’re ready. There’s no "right" pace for love.

In a world full of expectations, pressures, and endless options, it’s easy to feel lost or discouraged. But remember: your story is unique, and you don’t have to have all the answers right now. Take a moment to honor where you are in your journey, and trust that love whether in romantic or personal connections will come in its own time. You are seen, you are heard, and your experience is valid. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is to simply give yourself grace as you move through it.

You’re Not Alone—Take the Next Step

If you’re feeling stuck or weighed down by the challenges of modern relationships, it can help to talk through your thoughts and feelings with someone who understands. Whether you’re exploring past patterns, navigating current challenges, or reimagining your future, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

If this resonates with you, consider taking the next step toward deeper self-discovery and connection. Start by reflecting on what you truly want in relationships and in life. And if you feel ready to explore these questions with someone who can guide and support you, reach out today your journey to love and connection can begin with one simple step.